We live in a world where dual-career families are becoming the norm, with both partners in a marriage equally committed to their careers or personal development. This has implications for companies relocating families overseas, and China is no exception.
With the eyes of the world very much on China, a posting to the country is an attractive option for families; however, many of today’s accompanying spouses moving here are not content to put their own lives and careers on hold for the sake of their partner’s career advancement. It is little surprise then that studies on international mobility point to spousal discontent as one of the key factors underpinning assignment failure—and one of the reasons assignments are being turned down in the first place.
On arrival in China, a typical scenario is one in which the assignee, through his or her new job, has a clearly defined sense of purpose and structure, and children are quickly immersed in school activities and making new friends. By contrast, the non-working spouse faces the task of recreating his or her own life—making new friends and finding a meaningful way to spend time, either through working or other pursuits. Being faced with a blank canvas on which to reinvent yourself can be exciting, but it also can be daunting if you do not know where to start and especially if you are not supported in the process.
Bev Richards
Bev Richards moved to Beijing about a year ago with her husband, the CEO of an insurance company. Having left her two children behind in South Africa to start at university, and no longer fulfilling the role of family nurturer, it has taken her some months to rediscover herself in her new environment.
Thinking back to when she first arrived, Richards said, “relocating to China has been one of the biggest challenges of my life. The initial excitement gave way to total dismay in my first weeks of arriving here. I felt a real loss of identity and confidence during that settling-in period. The result being an easy option—hiding in our luxurious apartment and hoping that everything will be better tomorrow! Only, tomorrow comes and everything is still the same. The loneliness gets to you and you realize that you have to start somewhere—but where? Looking back, I wish I had more guidance on relocating to such a foreign place.”
After resolving to stay positive and open to the opportunities around her, Richards started Chinese lessons, enrolled in jewelry and cooking classes, and joined a book club, and in so doing reached out to other expatriates who have given her lots of support and help. She now is in a place where she, “feels a sense of awakening, a need to discover, and a newfound freedom in beginning to learn this very difficult language and culture. At last I am happy to be here!”
Laura Markle
Laura Markle, a career-oriented Canadian who previously held the post of head of media at the British embassy in Ottawa and moved to Beijing with her husband, also found the transition challenging at first. Having just returned to Canada after two-and-a-half years in China, Markle’s story is an inspiration to other accompanying spouses. Intensive Chinese language training has made it easier for her to connect and forge friendships with local people. This year, she spent Chinese New Year with her language teacher’s family in a rural area outside Beijing, allowing her to immerse herself for a brief time in the language and people, and giving her a glimpse of a life in China not too many short-term expatriates get to see. She also has continued her love of speed-skating in China by joining up with a group of professional Chinese skaters who took her under their wing, and she worked as a consultant for Right to Play, Toronto, Canada, an international NGO.
Markle said that, “so much of this experience and what makes it so rich are the everyday connections you make with the people. I think Beijingers have a wonderful sense of life and if you give them a smile they give you so much more in return.”
But her rich life and wonderful experiences in Beijing did not come without a strong determination and positive attitude to make this time work for her. Markle said that the decision to move to China gave her the chance to put her resilience to the test, and that she had to “dig deep, face the doubters and the questioners and quite often my own self-doubt. When you touch down in China, your old life as you knew it vanishes. Now it’s about you, and how to build a new life in this unfamiliar world. Quite honestly, it is all rather daunting in the beginning but the payoff for those who hang in there is immeasurable.”
A Personal Experience
I can relate wholeheartedly to what Richards and Markle have to say. Three years ago, I was living in Cape Town, South Africa, when quite unexpectedly we were given the opportunity to relocate to China through my partner’s work. Even though we jumped at the opportunity and welcomed the adventure, I realize now I was quite unprepared for the challenges that lay ahead. A born traveler who has lived in different countries, I always prided myself on being adaptable, and with an anthropology background, I assumed an understanding of cultural differences would come easily to me. I was forced to re-examine both these assumptions on arriving in China, as I felt lonely and out of my depth. I was frustrated at not being able to speak Chinese and found the cultural norms difficult to understand and navigate. I also missed the people, the blue skies, and outdoor lifestyle I had left behind.
Amid all this, I was trying to settle us into our new home. In China, this can be a challenge, as language barriers and cultural difficulties are a daily reality. Tasks that at home would have been perfectly manageable (for example grocery shopping, buying furniture and other household items, getting utilities connected, and paying bills), can become complicated and time-consuming.
As Richards said, “a simple task like shopping for groceries, or asking directions, or catching a taxi seemed to take more effort than running a marathon.”
It may sound dramatic, but I can remember the effort required to do small things, such as asking for help in shops, reading road signs, or communicating with the taxi driver.
Battling with simple tasks and feeling out of your comfort zone amid all the other changes going on in your life can be de-motivating, and this, as everyone knows, usually affects the whole family. If the spouse is feeling frustrated or unhappy, they may get little empathy from their partner, who probably sees their work-free life as easy. They themselves may feel guilty and inadequate for having it so easy yet not being able to make a go of it. This can lead to tension and resentment within the family. In my more than two years in Beijing, I have had many a heart-to-heart with other spouses about how their husbands/wives seem to have adapted so effortlessly while they feel as if they are flailing. If the working spouse is working long hours or traveling frequently, this will only worsen the situation.
Spousal Issues Overview
Every spouse who arrives in China is unique—with contrasting backgrounds and different hopes for what lies ahead; everyone has a different story. Despite these differences, I have noticed in my interactions with spouses both personally and in my work in the relocation industry that they all seem to be confronted with one or more of the following issues on arrival in China:
- A loss of identity. On unfamiliar terrain, spouses find themselves having to carve out a new life while trying to maintain a sense of self. This can be especially challenging for spouses who left behind a fulfilling job and face
the sometimes daunting task of re-creating their career.
- Difficulty managing the logistics of their new environment and getting things done because of language and cultural barriers.
- Shifting family dynamics as each family member transitions in their own way.
- Problems adapting to life in a major Chinese city—the high levels of pollution, the crowded streets and congested traffic, dietary changes, an indoor lifestyle.
If spouses are not given support to help them deal with these issues right from the beginning, they can be left feeling lonely, frustrated, and disconnected from their new environment. Feeling this way makes it much harder to settle down in this very exciting but at times intimidating country.
Source: CareerBuilder.com
Family Issues
According to Tiffany Wandy, director of Life Line Shanghai, family problems are a very real concern for expatriate families living in China. Life Line (www.lifelineshanghai.com) provides free telephone counseling to expatriates, and typical problems they deal with are infidelity, domestic violence, and work-life balance—either the employed persons themselves are seeking improved work-life balance, or the family is struggling to adjust to the frequent absences of the working parents.
Furthermore, Wandy said many expatriates are dealing with feelings of isolation—both when they first arrive and are getting their feet on the ground, and then again when new friends move back home or to a different country.
Wandy agrees it is because of family strains such as these that expatriate postings can fail. “It’s the number one reason for a family to pack up and leave early,” she said. “The posting also may be a failure if the assignee fails to reach their target, which is often the result of family problems.”
Wandy advises that companies must provide practical support, but they also must consider the softer issues—for example, people have a need to “bond” with a city (language and culture classes can help here), and they also need emotional support, which can be offered through acknowledging some of the negative aspects and then together working toward positive solutions.
Helen Shortell
Helen Shortell moved to Beijing from Australia with her husband, who works for an aid agency, and their two young children, and her account of her own experience reinforces the need to provide both practical and emotional support to spouses.
My company, Asia Pacific Access, provided Helen with assistance when she moved to Beijing, and she said, “A face-to-face talk at the APA office was most important in terms of me seeing and believing that I was not alone in Beijing and that you were at the other end of the phone if I was in a crisis. Prior to this, I felt very alone and isolated, and to be honest I was scared everyday in a very simple sort of way. The articles you provided on relocating children were also very useful as it gave me a framework to realize that we are ‘normal’ and all the things that were happening needed to be addressed and not left unattended.”
Providing this kind of reassurance is most crucial in the early stages, where loneliness and feelings of isolation can creep in. Even the most capable and resilient of people need a helping hand to reassure them they need not go it alone—as Shortell said, “Coming from an environment where I was a confident, mature person who could manage a husband who travels, a business, do voluntary work, contribute to committees, extended families, and be an athlete—to arrive here in winter with no language, no support, and all of us get the flu—it was a tough call!”
In China, where language and cultural barriers can make daily living challenging, as important as providing emotional support and reassurance is the need to provide practical, on-the-ground, China-specific information so spouses can get things done with little hassle, and also come to grips with how to approach things here.
“The information you sent through was very helpful so I could refer to each section as I got to work through that issue,” said Shortell. “And your support and response to my immediate needs, like getting the kids’ training wheels, solved problems immediately but also got me moving along and in touch with more people who have become my support network.”
Each person adapts differently and in their own time, but a typical progression is one where once the “hardware” (finding a home, a school, and where to shop, and the like) has been successfully attended to, the issue of “what will I do with my time?” comes prominently to the forefront, and the need to maintain a professional identity and a sense of self hits home.
Innovative Approaches
Some companies have developed innovative approaches to address the need for spousal support; however there still is a way to go before spousal support becomes a core component of a relocation program. Some suggestions gleaned from the literature on steps companies can take to help spouses transition smoothly are as follows:
1. Improved communication. Include the spouse in discussions on the relocation, and make them feel like part of the process from the outset.
2. Career counseling and development.
- Assist spouses in maintaining their professional identity while on assignment through funding further study, authorizing a spouse support program, providing professional coaching, paying for magazine subscriptions and trips back home to attend conferences, and the like.
- Provide career guidance/counseling prior to departure and/or on arrival in the new destination. This may include counseling on adaptation of résumé and interviewing techniques, and understanding the work environment and opportunities in the host country.
- Assistance with obtaining local certifications.
- Financial compensation for revenue lost while on assignment.
3. Adequate preparation for life in the host destination. Provide access to first-hand information from families/professionals already living in the host country. Facilitate introductions to other spouses in the host location (spouses of other employees may be a good source of support), to mentor the new spouse.
4. Good working conditions. Ensure the assignee has enough time with his/her family to reduce any strain on the family.
These basic support structures no doubt will help, and should be a component of any relocation program. It is certain they will provide a good foundation for the spouse to find ways to stay motivated and feel productive, to “own” the relocation, and to connect with the world around them. That way, it will be far easier for the spouse to embrace the experience with open arms and recognize it for the gift it is.
Jodi Noffsinge
When I first arrived in Beijing and had no immediate employment prospects, I was anxious about how I would spend my days, and about being financially dependent on a partner for the first time—I feared losing my sense of independence. Having a sense of purpose and feeling part of something, whether that be working, volunteering, nurturing a family, or studying, goes such a long way to making people feel happy and settled in China.
American Jodi Noffsinger, who moved to Beijing with her husband, an advertising executive, echoed this sentiment when she said, “luckily for me, one of the things that helped most in our relocation on a personal level was jumping right in to part-time work, which in my case was teaching yoga. Being a part of a yoga studio helped put me in touch with a community of like-minded people who might have been hard to find otherwise. While I gave up my full-time job in New York as a web news show producer when we moved here, I was actually happy to have a bit of a break from the daily grind. Plus, I didn’t want to be overwhelmed with the demands of a new job while we were trying to settle in and build a home in a new place. In a way, I had the perfect balance—part-time work allowed me to feel connected, but also allowed me time to study the language and have time to be social with my new friends.”
Jasmine Keel
Jasmine Keel, a mother of two who left a great job in Zurich, Switzerland, to move to China with her husband, had similar plans for part-time work as well as getting her Ph.D. When she arrived here, and none of her plans came to fruition, Keel decided to get proactive and launch her own business helping other expatriate spouses in Beijing, called Inspired (www.inspiredbeijing.com). Reflecting on those beginning months, Keel said, “Quitting my job in Zurich as a senior business analyst was hard, but leaving my close friends and family behind was even harder. Nevertheless, I was determined to make the most of Beijing.”
After a disorienting first eight months during which time she had done much self-development work, Keel said she realized that, “on top of family, unity, and faith, my values are vitality, learning, achievement, connection, contribution. Being a freshly arrived ‘trailing spouse,’ the values achievement, connection, and contribution were being poorly honored.”
Through her initiative, Keel has turned a challenge into an opportunity and created a life for herself in which her core values are being fulfilled.
Of course, not every accompanying spouse wishes to or can work in China, as there may be barriers to working—for example, visa constraints, incorrect certification, or the language barrier. Some spouses may welcome the opportunity to take time out to spend with their kids, or be given a reprieve from the stresses and strains of the corporate world. However, if finding a job or a project in China is given high priority, it is important that this issue be addressed early to avoid any dissatisfaction down the line.
Michelle Charles
There are many great opportunities in China, however, you do need to be patient and resourceful when looking for a job here. A good place to start the job search is to use your contacts back home before you move—speak to your current company or your spouse’s company about opportunities with them, or their contacts, in China. Markle used her contacts in Canada to secure a consultancy with Right to Play China. Michelle Charles, a South African who worked as a program director for an international software company, was fortunate in that her company had an office in Beijing—however, after a frustrating period in which her résumé was left on “some recruiter’s desk” and she could not get access to local management for an interview, she, too, had to leverage her contacts back home to secure the right job in the China office.
Charles took some time out to spend with her young son when first arriving in Beijing; however, after two-and-a-half years she was ready to focus on her career again, “to gain that sense of independence and sense of self that I feel women so often discard when we start families.” Charles’ new role has been challenging both personally and professionally, but through these challenges she has grown as a person. “I got a regional role so it is not China-specific, which was probably the only option for me given I do not speak Mandarin at a business level,” she said. “My new role is even more challenging and gives me far more exposure than the one I had in South Africa as it takes me between Shanghai, Singapore, India, and Korea. If you are not in this working environment, it is sometimes difficult to understand just how frustrating and challenging it can be at times. However, at the same time, even though business culture and language might be difficult to assimilate, there is so much to learn from working here: the intricacies of the social and business culture, multiculturalism, the characteristics of an emerging market, and the business dynamics associated with that. Anyone working in China can only grow from the experience.”
Anouk Milne
If your contacts back home are unable to assist, getting a foot in the door and making local contacts once you arrive is a good place to start looking for your ideal job in China. Anouk Milne is a French native who has lived in Shanghai for three years with her Scottish husband and their three children. Prior to coming to China, Milne had worked in HR for 10 years in the United Kingdom, and after applying for a number of jobs that required Chinese as a first or second language, Milne saw an advertisement for a recruitment consultant with a British company in the local job listings.
Although she was overqualified for the role, Milne realized it was an opportunity to get some China experience, maintain her skills, and make some contacts in the industry. After working at the company for a year and becoming pregnant with her second child, Milne decided to look for part-time work so she could spend time with her children. By this stage, she had made some contacts in China, which she used to secure a part-time role at an digital strategy communications agency, freeing her up to be a mom and to spend time developing the other part of her career—career coaching (www.blueorangecoaching.com). Having “come out on the other side,” Anouk is well aware of the emotional strains an international assignment can take on both the working and the non-working partner.
For this reason, she said, companies should invest in helping both partners feel settled and supported in dealing with all the changes—as not doing this can be more expensive in the long run if there is a failed assignment.
Of the different sets of pressures spouses face, Milne said, “They’re in different modes—the spouse is trying to find herself in the new environment and dealing with everyday frustrations (I remember having to have the washing machine repaired six times!), and the husband is in a different bubble—he has to make this work as it is a big honor, so he ends up working very long hours. And when there are kids there are extra complications. They may not have the emotional skills to deal with the new stresses and if they internalize everything things will start to go wrong.”
A New Journey Starts With a Single Step
If, unlike Markle, Charles, and Milne you cannot work in your field in China, you can consider heading in a new direction and developing other skills, or making the change you always wanted to make, as Keel and I have done. I had been working in the research industry for some years and the move to China seemed like the perfect opportunity to re-think my career, as I had wanted to do.
When I first arrived, I taught English and did freelance writing (both feasible options for native English speakers in Beijing), all the while keeping a close eye on the local job listings for something that seemed appealing. It was disheartening at times, but after some months I was lucky to find work at a relocation consultancy that was a good fit for me.
Thinking of people in my network alone, I have an Indonesian friend who loves cooking and has started a small catering company, run out of her kitchen, catering to the Indonesian community in Beijing. Another friend, a lawyer who has a flair for cooking, is considering starting cooking classes for expatriates, also out of her home.
Some other ideas I have heard expressed are scouring the local markets and exporting Chinese clothing and jewelry back home, and starting a mentoring business. Such freelance or self-employment work is an ideal situation for many spouses living in China because of the freedom and flexibility it affords. If you are planning to go this route, the key is to think creatively about what you enjoy doing and then to gauge whether there is a market for it—in an environment like China that is still opening up, chances are if you start something yourself you may just be the first person to do it or, at the least, have little competition.
Whether you are planning on working full-time, part-time, or starting your own venture, networking plays a crucial role, both before you leave and once you arrive. There are many networking and social groups in China that you can join and linking into these is not only a great way to make new friends, but also a way to open yourself up to any opportunities or people who can help you, or even collaborate with you. You also may consider doing life coaching or career counseling to help re-define your goals and devise a strategy for your time in China.
Even if you are not looking to work formally, you may consider doing volunteer work or developing other interests. Volunteering not only is a meaningful way to spend your time, it also is an opportunity to develop new skills that can enhance your résumé, for example, organizational and marketing skills. In China, there are many charities you could approach about volunteering positions. It may require you to call around and make a few visits to find a suitable charity, but you should find something that is a good fit for you.
Indeed, a common theme in the stories told here is an initial period of feeling overwhelmed, followed by a very happy ending. As Noffsinger said, “Now that we’ve been in Beijing for nearly two years, those difficult early days of our relocation are a little hard to recall because those times have been replaced with new friendships, rich cultural experiences, and even an addition to our family after giving birth here six months ago.”
Or, to quote Markle, another happy spouse, “had I not taken this journey, I would have continued to walk to the same coffee shop near my office everyday, said hello to the same people on the same familiar streets, walked to work and dealt with predictable issues, only to return home to complain to my dearest, ‘what is this all about, this same old, same old? Some things in life are worth changing. Take a chance on a new life.”
Personally, moving to China has been one of the best things I have ever done; however, it was only once I was aware of and open to the enormous opportunities for growth that I could truly appreciate being here.
Zanine Wolf is project consultant for Asia Pacific Access, Beijing, China, China partner of Reloc8 Asia Pacific. She can be reached at +86 10 6512 9996 ext. 208 or e-mail zanine@apachina.com.