Over the years at industry conferences, lectures, and roundtable events, I have heard a few disparaging remarks about the “expat wife” as if she were a person who was intent on making the lives of relocation and expatriate administration professionals miserable.
The perception that the accompanying spouse is overly needy and should be content with the generous expatriate compensation package provided is a frequent comment. However, I think it is important to remember that we ask a lot of these women. They help the family make a home in a foreign location without the aid of a traditional support network.
In the case of the accompanying female spouse, the husband goes off to work while she is responsible for ensuring that the kids are ensconced in school, happy in play, and acclimating to the new environment. Many times she has left a job and, because of local labor laws, is unable to work without a government permit, which may be difficult to obtain. Despite the fact that many sponsoring corporations offer relocation assistance, and sometimes destination services to ease the transition, it can be the accumulation of little problems that make the life of an expat wife so difficult.
I was a happy and willing accompanying spouse as my husband took a job in Tokyo, Japan, and a few years later, Hong Kong, China. And, while I am eternally grateful for the life-changing experiences, it was still quite difficult for many of the reasons cited above. However, I also realize that I grew and matured in different ways than I would have had we never moved overseas. I recently surveyed a number of women who have lived abroad because of their partner’s job opportunities, and I offer their stories as a way to humanize the stereotype of the expat wife, reminding all of us in this business that it takes immense courage to embark on such a journey.
The Survey
The questionnaire concentrated on several key areas of their experiences living abroad, beginning with a description of where and when they lived overseas and what type of benefits were provided by their partner’s company to assist with the move and the settling-in process. The women also described whether they resigned from a job to accompany their spouse, how they filled their days while living in the host country, what advice they would give someone considering this kind of opportunity today, and what recommendations they would suggest to companies moving families on assignments abroad.
The participants in the survey came from many different home countries and backgrounds and spent from two years to a total of 30 years living abroad, with an average of seven to eight years. The women lived in a number of different regions around the world, including France, England, the Netherlands, Hong Kong, Australia, Ireland, Spain, Mexico, China, Pakistan, India, Japan, Switzerland, and China. All but two went on multiple assignments.
Analyzing Assistance
When asked if their husband’s company had offered relocation benefits to assist with the move, the answers ranged from a list of typical benefits, such as shipping of household goods, a miscellaneous expense allowance, and temporary living, to one who commented, “Are you joking?” and another who said, “Absolutely nothing,” was provided. One woman admitted she “is still bitter about it to this day.”
The offer to pay for language lessons was the most frequent form of assistance, and several took advantage of cross-cultural training, although a career expatriate said after taking a week-long program that, “I was in a group of people who were going abroad for the first time. There was not enough to learn for me, it was not the right course for me.” On the other hand, a couple of respondents believed that it was up to the spouse to ask for help as the company may be less than forthcoming about offering specific assistance to address an accompanying spouse.
While most families received help in finding accommodations in the host country, specific destination services such as orientation and settling-in programs were not mentioned. The questionnaire did not address the compensation package the assignee received, although one woman related the story that because of the exchange rate and extremely high cost of living in the host city, she conducted her own cost-of-living study, which prompted the company to purchase cost-of-living allowance (COLA) tables from an outside data provider to alleviate the income inequity.
Dual Careers, Work-life Balance, and Acculturization
The rise of the two-career couple family structure creates unique stresses on an international move as in the nearly all of the cases studied here; eight out of 10 women left a job to join her husband on assignment, and many were not able to work overseas. As one woman stated, “I had flourishing freelance training work… I was very upset to have to stop this as I had been building it up for several years.”
Another respondent said that she had been successfully moving up the ladder in her career but, because she was excited about the possibilities that lay ahead, was looking forward to the future.
Several women were new mothers, and already had left work, were on maternity leave, or they saw the opportunity to move abroad as a chance to enjoy motherhood full-time. However, this decision did not necessarily give rise to immediate happiness, as one woman admitted, “I didn’t realize what the impact would be of leaving my work—I was bereft without an activity to use my brain, my professional knowledge, daily interaction with people, colleagues, and issues. The loss of identity was very strong especially as at the time I was struggling to gain an identity as a mother/parent!”
These women did appreciate that the opportunity to move abroad as it was an occasion to learn about another country and culture, a chance to explore historical sites, museums, theater, ballet, and take vacations to exotic locations. “We did have postings in some very interesting countries and cities so I preferred to spend my time learning how to live and thrive while exploring my new home.”
Learning the local language proved one of the most difficult aspects of their new life, although many of those surveyed jumped at the chance to become proficient in another language, even taking university-level courses. For some, the most time-consuming activity was helping the family adjust to their new surroundings. For others who did not have children with them, it took longer to fit in, as was the case of a woman who moved overseas when her children were grown, “instead of an empty nest, I took the nest away!”
Several women were able to find full-time work, although one explained that the peripatetic lifestyle of an expatriate forced her to turn down a couple of job offers over the years. Many found fulfillment through volunteer work, whether through their children’s school or social organizations such as the American Women’s Association and other international women’s groups in cities around the world.
For one respondent, the experiences of living in war-torn Pakistan and poverty-stricken India, and an interaction with a nun who ran a Christian home for abandoned children, taught her “kindness can ‘move’.” She was inspired to pursue a career in social welfare, including work in prisons as a chaplain, teaching ethics classes, and continuing to thrive as a hospice worker in the United States.
When asked about the difficulties of living in a foreign country, the most frequently cited issue was the language barrier, operating as a “functional illiterate”—being able to get around the host location but not able to read anything. Even after years living in and speaking the native language, there still can be frustration that one is never “able to communicate effectively and with subtlety.”
Dealing with a depressing climate or pollution standards much worse than permitted at home, being aware of varying levels of hygiene, and experiencing mild shock at what is acceptable behavior in the host country that the expatriates find offensive compared to their own culture, are examples of other difficulties in adapting to the new home. A few of the women openly discussed the loneliness they felt living so far from family and friends, although nearly all of the women surveyed said that meeting and getting to know so many people from other parts of the world was a definite benefit of living overseas.
Expatriates in Asia mentioned the ease afforded them by having live-in help, while others who moved to the United States appreciated the casual lifestyle and the lack of social rules so prevalent in Europe. The availability of public transportation, accessibility of unusual cuisines, and the feeling that “there is so much more to learn that you can’t experience just by visiting a place,” were additional highlights of living abroad.
Making the Decision
The overwhelming advice for a woman considering accompanying her husband/partner on an overseas assignment is to do it! Even when times were difficult, the fact that these women pushed themselves to explore and leave their comfort zone resulted in a period of great personal growth. “Don’t insulate yourself within a certain expat group,” although using an expatriate group for resources and recommendations is suggested.
All said that being outgoing in an effort to meet people was critical, and to remember that you need them more than they need you. One woman outlined her prescription for preparing for an international assignment, “meditate, communicate, celebrate, and always remember you have options.” Another said, “use this opportunity to reinvent yourself,” while several women suggested that having an open mind and an adventurous spirit would be essential survival tools.
Most of these women received some help from their husband’s employer as they moved and acclimated to life in another country, and when asked to give advice to international HR professionals, they said that constant communication was important.
In various ways, they all requested additional on-arrival support, which translated to settling-in services with extended support beyond the first few days in country, commenting on how helpful and well-appreciated these services would be. “Acknowledge trailing spouses and the children as part of the life of the person who has been employed and put as much (if not more) effort into making sure that they settle-in well.”
Many expressed amazement that the host country office did not offer some sort of welcome, whether it was a formal reception dinner, or a more casual connection with another company expatriate who could answer questions and alleviate some of the concerns they had when first moving in. Others would have appreciated the ability to discuss personal issues with a coach/therapist conversant in the special issues faced by expatriates, and specifically those of an accompanying spouse.
When HR professionals visit overseas offices, take the time to meet with the expat wives, “court them and support them,” advised one respondent, and ask expatriate spouses for their advice in how to improve and enhance future assignments for other company employees.
Not one woman who answered the questionnaire expressed remorse or unhappiness in following their husband/partner on an international assignment. And while there may have been difficult days and weeks, one woman expressed her resiliency by saying, “Once I made up my mind to stop pining for what I no longer had and made the most of what I did have… I opened up to the possibilities and things went swimmingly.”
Do not be afraid of making mistakes, said another, as “it is difficult to learn the rules of a new society and we foreigners run into our shortcomings very quickly.” These women showed courage while sometimes dealing with adversity, yet they were more than satisfied with their choices.
“Living so far from home and family is very difficult but you learn so much about yourself, your marriage, and how you cope with change and uncertainty—I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything.”
Leah Johnson is director, strategic services for Mobility Services International (MSI), Newburyport, Massachusetts, and a member of the MOBILITY Editorial Advisory Committee. She can be reached at +1 866 360 3016 or leah.johnson@msimobility.com.